How To Leave An Abusive Spouse: A Comprehensive Guide For South Africans
Leaving an abusive spouse is one of the most challenging and courageous decisions you can make. The emotional and physical toll of an abusive relationship can be overwhelming, but you have the right to live a life free from fear and harm. So, how should you go about planning and leaving an abusive spouse?
Planning to leave an abusive spouse in South Africa involves recognising the abuse, building a support network, securing finances, gathering evidence, packing essentials, consulting a lawyer, and seeking a protection order. Take the first step toward a safer, brighter future.
It’s important to remember that abuse is never your fault, and there is a way out. You can make a safe and informed exit by understanding the steps and preparing yourself mentally and physically. This guide aims to provide you with the steps to safely plan and leave an abusive partner, empowering you to reclaim your life and future.
1. Recognise The Abuse Cycle And Stop Normalising It
The first step in leaving an abusive spouse is to acknowledge the abuse and understand that it’s not normal or acceptable. Abuse can take many forms—physical, emotional, psychological, or financial—but none of them are your fault.
Many victims find themselves trapped in an abuse cycle, where periods of calm are followed by escalating tension and violence. Recognising this cycle is crucial to breaking free. Remember, being treated with respect and kindness is something you deserve, and it’s vital to stop normalising abusive behaviour.
2. Start Gathering A Support Network And Look Into Safe Space Options
Once you recognise that you’re in an abusive relationship, the next step is to build a support network. Contact trusted friends, family members, or colleagues who can provide emotional support and practical assistance.
If you don’t have anyone to turn to, consider contacting organisations that specialise in helping victims of domestic abuse, such as The TEARS Foundation, LifeLine SA, POWA (People Opposing Women Abuse), or the Saartjie Baartman Centre for Women and Children. These organisations can offer guidance, safe spaces, and resources to help you plan your departure.
3. Get Your Finances In Order
One of the most critical steps in preparing to leave an abusive spouse is securing your financial independence. If you don’t already have one, begin by secretly opening a bank account in your name and saving money.
Avoid making any financial moves that could alert your spouse to your intentions. Ensure you have access to important financial records, including bank statements, credit reports, and information about any shared assets. Financial stability will be essential as you navigate your new life, free from abuse.
4. Gather Evidence Of The Abuse
Documenting the abuse is vital for legal proceedings and obtaining protection orders. Start by keeping a detailed journal of incidents, including times, dates, and descriptions of the abuse. Take photos of injuries or property damage and save any threatening messages, emails, or voicemails if possible.
Additionally, consider making a statement at your local police station to establish a formal record of the abuse. Evidence can protect you legally and ensure your safety moving forward.
5. Pack A Getaway Bag
When preparing to leave an abusive partner, it’s essential to have a getaway bag packed and ready. This bag should include all the necessary items for an immediate exit. Consider including the following essentials:
- Birth certificates, IDs, and passports for you and any children you might have
- Yours and your children’s health insurance cards
- Financial records, including recent bank statements and investment documents
- Housing documents, such as rental agreements or mortgage statements
- Your car’s registration papers
- Statements for any retirement plans
- The past two years’ tax returns
- A written copy of phone numbers or important addresses
Ensure that this bag is stored in a safe and accessible location where your spouse is unlikely to find it.
6. Secure Yourself A Lawyer
Legal representation is critical when leaving an abusive spouse, especially when it comes to navigating divorce, custody, and protection orders. South Africa’s Domestic Violence Act 116 of 1998 protects victims, and a lawyer can help you understand your rights under this law.
A good lawyer will also be able to guide you through your rights in getting a divorce as stipulated by the Divorce Act 70 of 1979 and help you protect your children and think about child custody issues and maintenance as specified by the Children’s Act 38 of 2005.
Keep all communications with your lawyer confidential and away from your spouse’s knowledge. A lawyer will be able to help guide you through the legal process, ensuring your safety and helping you secure the necessary protection and resources.
7. Form Your Escape Plan
Planning your escape is a crucial step in leaving an abusive partner. Decide the safest time to leave and know precisely where you will go. Whether it’s a trusted friend’s home, a family member’s house, or a domestic violence shelter, having a clear destination will help you execute your plan more effectively.
Consider the logistics, such as how you will leave, what transportation you will use, and who you will contact once you’re safe. A well-thought-out plan can make the difference between a successful escape and a dangerous situation.
8. Talk To Your Lawyers About A Protection Order
A protection or restraining order is a legal tool that can provide safety and peace of mind. Under the Domestic Violence Act, you can apply for a protection order that prohibits your spouse from contacting or approaching you. Your lawyer can help you file for this order, which is critical in preventing further abuse. Ensure that you understand the terms of the protection order and what steps to take if it is violated.
9. Seek Professional Help
Leaving an abusive spouse is not just a physical escape but an emotional one as well. Seeking skilled help from a counsellor or therapist can be incredibly beneficial as you work through the trauma and rebuild your life.
Therapy can give you the tools to heal, regain self-esteem, and move forward healthily. Don’t hesitate to seek out support groups or therapy services that specialise in helping survivors of domestic abuse.
10. Leave And Don’t Look Back
Once you’ve taken all the necessary steps, it’s time to implement your plan. Leave your abusive spouse, and don’t look back. This decision is about reclaiming your life, safety, and happiness. Remember, leaving an abusive partner is a brave and empowering choice that allows you to build a future free from fear and harm.
Leaving an abusive spouse is a complex and daunting process, but with careful planning and support, it is possible to escape and start anew. Remember to prioritise your safety and well-being throughout the process, and know that resources and people are ready to help you every step. By following these steps and seeking the necessary legal and emotional support, you can leave an abusive partner and create a brighter, safer future for yourself and your loved ones.
If you’re facing the difficult decision to leave an abusive spouse, know that you don’t have to go through it alone. At Burnett Attorneys & Notaries, we are committed to helping you navigate the legal complexities of this journey, safeguarding your rights every step of the way. Our expert team can help you obtain protection orders, file for divorce, and secure your future. Please get in touch with us for a confidential consultation—we’re here to support you in taking this important step toward a safer, brighter future.